Well, we are officially down at camp for the next 6 weeks. This week is training week, so there's no kiddos here yet (well, besides my own kids and Zack). Jayci adores camp and all the animals and all her "friends," she sleeps like a log every night and wears me out running around all day long. Caden clings to me, as usual, and doesn't sleep or eat, as usual. We have all been sleeping in one room, which means that I'm exhausted and haven't gotten much sleep, but it's really no worse than it has been at home. Training week is fun because we get to know all the new counselors and see friends who I haven't seen since camp last year too. I always feel a little shy (I am after all an introvert through and through), and also really old. Because when we started working at camp, I was about the same age as all the counselors. But now I'm the old lady with two kids, which makes me feel even more introverted and awkward. Zack, however, isn't introverted at all - and everyone (of course) loves him. I am proud of him being here to help, I truly am blown away by the fantastic young man he is growing into. Plus Jayci has been telling everyone he's her big brother, which makes me melt a little.
I figure I also owe you a few more quick updates on life with the Stanleys. We brought Caden to the feeding specialist again last week, and they told me they were "at a loss" because he now REFUSES to eat even one bite of baby food. The specialist said it seems like it might be more behavioral, which they don't usually see in babies this young. And also that we should try giving him some mashed table food instead of baby food purees. Which we did tonight for the first time, and he smeared it everywhere but only got maybe one or two bites of food into his mouth. So I'll keep you posted on how that goes, but I'm not feeling super hopeful. I wanted to tell the feeding specialist "welcome to my life with Caden, I'm always 'at a loss.'" I'm at a loss for how in the world to get him to sleep, how to get him to eat, how to know when he needs to go to the doctor, how to get him to let other people hold him and not just me . . . sigh.
Adam came up to camp last week, and was planning on driving home on the day we got "his" (ok "our") chickens in the mail. Yup, they came in the mail. I was sitting on the couch when I heard an unusually loud chirping and opened my door to a small box containing 5 tiny chicks. Adam make a "brooder" for them, and brought them to camp where they are quickly growing. We let Jayci name one of them and she chose "boingy boing." We're going to call him BB for short. I realize it's completely unreasonable and I assumed that seeing the cute little chicks would get me over my irrational fear, but they still make me jumpy. My bird fear is really more of a phobia, I realize. And I also realize I'm ridiculous.
I actually had a little bit of a breakdown this morning over it all. I felt so close to God while Caden was in the hospital, somehow so full of assurance that He heard my cries, that He was holding Caden. But now, while I rock and rock and comfort Caden and try to make him sleep, I feel less sure. Less sure that God hears my cries for strength, for comfort, for sleep, for wisdom. Suddenly, my prayers seem to stop at the ceiling. And as much as I know that's not true, it's harder for me to believe and rest in Him when I feel like He doesn't hear my heart's cries. And when I'm tired, and sick, and feel like the biggest failure of a mom. Sigh. I appreciate your prayers friends, and I know that He will carry me through each and every season. And sometimes I just need a reminder that His promises are true, and that He is faithful.
