I have a confession to make: it's possible I have a problem with salted caramel mochas. They're just so delicious. I had a coupon, and so I'm sitting here sipping yet another couple hundred calories. Zack has Saturday school and he's staying with us this weekend, and I'm waiting for him to be done. And I'm enjoying being kid-free for a few minutes, thinking and grumbling a little. Because, I understand how desperately I need to create some margin in my life. I realize that I cannot keep going at the rate I've been going, I cannot sustain it. The problem, however, is figuring out how to get some margin in the midst of a margin-less life.
I've been trying the past 6 days to make a conscious effort to spend time doing things that give my soul space. To sit outside and enjoy the cool fall air, to take the kids to the park and watch them run hand-in-hand with the neighborhood kiddos. To read, to journal, to study. And I've been able to steal a minute here and there for these things. And they're good for my soul, undoubtedly. However, I sit there trying to read and all I can think about is that the dishes are literally overflowing from the sink, and my bedroom still looks like this.
Or that Caden requires me holding him at all time, or at least closely supervising him because he climbs up on and stands up on things and pulls out cords and has bruises all over his head as a result and so on and so forth. And Jayci decided to stop being quite so delightful and has taken to yelling "NO never" anytime we request anything of her.
And I think about how sometimes you can borrow from one area of margin to help create more space in another area. For example, borrow from financial margin to free up time by hiring someone to clean your house or to babysit. Unfortunately, we don't have any time, but we also don't have any financial margin to borrow from. And I work 20 hours a week for my dad's company because we will always need health insurance for Caden. And I have to do some photography work (I have 2 weddings tomorrow, sigh) because we still own our stupid-upside-down house in the suburbs and throw away nearly $500 because we cant rent it for as much as our house payment.
On top of this, there is also the undeniable fact that in our type of ministry there are a lot of crises. A lot. And every need seems urgent. He is going to jail. She is fourteen and pregnant and has nowhere to go. Their electricity is off. He is suspended again. They are hungry because there is no food at home. Poverty leaves little margin, and we try to stand in the gap for them. But we need to figure out how to create more sustainable solutions, how to love our neighbor without destroying ourselves.
I dont have any answers. I dont want y'all to think that I've started this "margin series" and I have all the answers now. My life still looks margin-less. I'm just more aware of it. I'm praying a lot, seeking God's wisdom in creating margin and saying no and leaving space. So I hope you'll continue to join me on this journey, knowing that I dont even really know where we will end up.
And I think about how sometimes you can borrow from one area of margin to help create more space in another area. For example, borrow from financial margin to free up time by hiring someone to clean your house or to babysit. Unfortunately, we don't have any time, but we also don't have any financial margin to borrow from. And I work 20 hours a week for my dad's company because we will always need health insurance for Caden. And I have to do some photography work (I have 2 weddings tomorrow, sigh) because we still own our stupid-upside-down house in the suburbs and throw away nearly $500 because we cant rent it for as much as our house payment.
On top of this, there is also the undeniable fact that in our type of ministry there are a lot of crises. A lot. And every need seems urgent. He is going to jail. She is fourteen and pregnant and has nowhere to go. Their electricity is off. He is suspended again. They are hungry because there is no food at home. Poverty leaves little margin, and we try to stand in the gap for them. But we need to figure out how to create more sustainable solutions, how to love our neighbor without destroying ourselves.
I dont have any answers. I dont want y'all to think that I've started this "margin series" and I have all the answers now. My life still looks margin-less. I'm just more aware of it. I'm praying a lot, seeking God's wisdom in creating margin and saying no and leaving space. So I hope you'll continue to join me on this journey, knowing that I dont even really know where we will end up.