I had a bad day today.
And I've been avoiding the blog, because I dont want to be a downer, or for y'all to feel like I'm just trying to get your sympathy or something.. But writing is so therapeutic for me, that you'll have to forgive me for muddling through while I put my emotions and thoughts down . . .
The last few weeks, I have been praying for and emailing with the parents of a heart baby (Thomas) with HLHS having surgery at CHOA. We had been planning on bringing his family cookies and an encouraging note (like a sweet friend did for us while Caden was in the hospital), but he went home to be with Jesus before we could bring them.
Yesterday, we decided to bring the cookies to the nurses at CHOA anyways. We thought it would give us a chance to talk to them a little more about our baskets, and ideas for what to include. Being back in the CICU, and thinking about Thomas, and about Caden . . . it was hard. I felt like I was reliving those scary days and nights. And I was hurting for Thomas's parents. And I was suddenly struck with intense fear of going through it all again in a few years, with a son that we know even more intimately than we did the first time. A son who recognizes my voice, grins for his sister, and refuses to giggle for his daddy.
Then last night, we shared Caden's story with the beautiful Phi Mu girls at Georgia Tech, who want to help with our baskets for the families at Choa. I read Caden's birth story (because I'm much better at writing than public speaking), and I barely made it through without sobbing (I actually just saved the tears until we got back to our car).
All that to say, yesterday was an emotional day. It's amazing the power of memories, and how I was transported back so fully. I ended up feeling guilty because I feel like I'm a little "stuck" on everything that happened with Caden. Even writing this, I realize how crazy that sounds - but I just feel like I should be grateful to have Caden home, full of only joy and happiness that he's doing well, and just move on already.
After an emotional day yesterday, Caden LITERALLY did not sleep last night. Typically, he wakes up every two or three hours to eat, but sleeps great in between. Not last night.
Needless to say, I woke this morning feeling a little ragged. And then Jayci was in rare form, beginning the day with some major tantrums, including a large quantitiy of very loud screaming. And Caden wouldn't stop crying. And all I wanted to do was run away and hide and cry and scream somewhere myself.
Which, of course, only made me feel more guilty and like a bad mom. Like I'm just not cut out for raising two little ones. I have no idea how to respond with grace and patience to Jayci, or how to get Caden to develop good sleep habits. Or how to teach Jayci to value herself, or how to know if Caden is ready to go more than 2 hours between feedings during the night . . . I spent the day beating myself up and questioning myself as a mom. Which equals a not-so-fantastic day.
I prayed a lot today too, asking the Lord to encourage my heart. To give me patience. To forgive me for not using kind and wise words with Jayci.
In the midst of my messy-emotional-whatever-it-was, we unpacked some of our Christmas boxes.
And I saw this.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans
for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
And I've been avoiding the blog, because I dont want to be a downer, or for y'all to feel like I'm just trying to get your sympathy or something.. But writing is so therapeutic for me, that you'll have to forgive me for muddling through while I put my emotions and thoughts down . . .
The last few weeks, I have been praying for and emailing with the parents of a heart baby (Thomas) with HLHS having surgery at CHOA. We had been planning on bringing his family cookies and an encouraging note (like a sweet friend did for us while Caden was in the hospital), but he went home to be with Jesus before we could bring them.
Yesterday, we decided to bring the cookies to the nurses at CHOA anyways. We thought it would give us a chance to talk to them a little more about our baskets, and ideas for what to include. Being back in the CICU, and thinking about Thomas, and about Caden . . . it was hard. I felt like I was reliving those scary days and nights. And I was hurting for Thomas's parents. And I was suddenly struck with intense fear of going through it all again in a few years, with a son that we know even more intimately than we did the first time. A son who recognizes my voice, grins for his sister, and refuses to giggle for his daddy.
Then last night, we shared Caden's story with the beautiful Phi Mu girls at Georgia Tech, who want to help with our baskets for the families at Choa. I read Caden's birth story (because I'm much better at writing than public speaking), and I barely made it through without sobbing (I actually just saved the tears until we got back to our car).
All that to say, yesterday was an emotional day. It's amazing the power of memories, and how I was transported back so fully. I ended up feeling guilty because I feel like I'm a little "stuck" on everything that happened with Caden. Even writing this, I realize how crazy that sounds - but I just feel like I should be grateful to have Caden home, full of only joy and happiness that he's doing well, and just move on already.
After an emotional day yesterday, Caden LITERALLY did not sleep last night. Typically, he wakes up every two or three hours to eat, but sleeps great in between. Not last night.
Needless to say, I woke this morning feeling a little ragged. And then Jayci was in rare form, beginning the day with some major tantrums, including a large quantitiy of very loud screaming. And Caden wouldn't stop crying. And all I wanted to do was run away and hide and cry and scream somewhere myself.
Which, of course, only made me feel more guilty and like a bad mom. Like I'm just not cut out for raising two little ones. I have no idea how to respond with grace and patience to Jayci, or how to get Caden to develop good sleep habits. Or how to teach Jayci to value herself, or how to know if Caden is ready to go more than 2 hours between feedings during the night . . . I spent the day beating myself up and questioning myself as a mom. Which equals a not-so-fantastic day.
I prayed a lot today too, asking the Lord to encourage my heart. To give me patience. To forgive me for not using kind and wise words with Jayci.
In the midst of my messy-emotional-whatever-it-was, we unpacked some of our Christmas boxes.
And I saw this.
I caught my breath when I saw him, laying there on the top of a box, which we hadn't touched since we moved out of our last house. Which was before I was even pregnant with Caden.
I remember when Adam's grandmother gave us this little guy, I felt a little confused as to why she had picked this particular Willow Tree, because the other ones she had given us always pertained directly to something in our lives (wedding, pregnancy, birth of Jayci . . . )
But now I know. I know that God knew Caden before time even began, before we had any idea we were going to have a son, let alone a son with a special heart. And today, I needed the reminder that God has always had good plans for us. That God ordained Caden as our son (and Jayci as our daughter), and that Caden's heart was not a mistake or a surprise. Tears cloud my eyes even as I type, because seeing that little guy holding that golden heart to his chest, I am blown away by the goodness of a God who cares enough about us to remind us that He KNEW. And that He knows. Our hearts. Our hurts. Our future.