I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling right now except overwhelmed. I thought yesterday was going to be the hardest day of my life, and it certainly was . . . however, I could definitely feel a tangible peace surrounding me that I know was a gift from God and a result of all of the thousands of people who were lifting up prayers for us and our precious son. Surgery and waiting through surgery was gut-wrenching and awful, but we were surrounded by people who love us and love Caden, and Jayci even visited in the waiting room a little too. She told everyone "brother is a little sick," which I only wish was the whole truth about his condition.
I think, however, that Adam and I had some false expectations about the outcome of surgery. By that I mean that we had talked about and prepared ourselves (well as much as you can do that) for him not making it out of surgery. We had cried and prayed and surrendered those fears to the Lord. But somehow in my mind I thought that if he just made it through surgery than everything would be fine. And then to hear that his left ventricle was still not working right and that he might need another open heart surgery . . . I could just feel my heart and strength crumble.
The truth is that the only way we are making it through this is by God sustaining us each step of the way, and I am confident that He will shower us with the grace we need to make it through this next step . . . but I'm just not quite there yet.
We are overwhelmed, too, at the outpouring of love and support we have we received from family, and friends, and even strangers. We have been reduced to tears countless times (granted, that's not hard to do these days) at the realization of how loved and prayed over we are. Last night a friend even organized a candlelight prayer service for Caden at my parent's house, and I cannot tell you how much it warms my heart to see my little girl praying for her little brother.
We are overwhelmed at how hard it is to see our son like this (warning: the pictures are graphic, if you're squeamish, I would not scroll down and look at them). Because he was so swollen from surgery, they left his chest open - so you can see his heart beating. And there is literally NOTHING we can do but entrust him into God's arms and trust that Jesus is holding him when we can't. This post-surgery fragility is terrifying. Every beep, every machine, every phone call makes us jump out of our skin at the thought that something is going or has gone wrong.
Adam went to morning rounds this morning while I stayed with Jayci, and they said he did as well as can be expected last night, considering he just had major open heart surgery. His heart went in to a different rhythm called junction ectopic tachycardia (JET)at around 1am. The surgeon happened to be called in for another patient and was checking on Caden when his heart went in to this rhythm. They tried to fix this by cooling him off a little, from 36-37C to 34-36C, and starting him on a mild sedative that also helps the heart beat in a normal (sinus) rhythm. However, these measures didn't work so they ended up turning on the pacemaker to fix it. The doctor assured us that this was more of a speed bump than a setback, which we're glad to hear. But again, scary stuff. He was able to go down on several of his meds as well as his ventilator, and is even taking some breaths on his own. They did up his pain medication a little because he was moving around a lot and they wanted to make sure he wasn't feeling any pain.
*again, be warned that these pictures are rough. TRUST ME, I know -- it is hard for me to see too. REALLY hard. And every time I close my eyes I can't help but see Caden and my own heart aches - I would do anything to take this away from him and to heal him and make it all better. But I can do nothing. Except pray, and do my best to continue walking faithfully beside him and trust that God is fighting for him.
So basically, he is doing ok, but still in a pretty sick and critical state. PLEASE keep praying for him that everything will go smoothly as they try to get levels evened out and everything back to where it needs to be in order for them to close up his chest etc. Continue to pray that the left ventricle will be healed so he will not need any additional surgery. Pray for Adam and I that we will be covered with His grace as we walk through this next week or more that he will be in the CICU before he can be moved to the step-down unit (where we can stay with him). If everything goes perfectly we will probably spend at least another month in the hospital, so pray for strength for us (and sweet Caden) through that, and also for wisdom and discernment in juggling that with parenting Jayci and taking care of ourselves and our marriage.
Today we are resting in Exodus 14:14 . . . and can feel your prayers covering and reviving us and healing our son's tiny little heart. And we are encouraged (even in our discouragement) to know that we have an amazing army behind our little man cheering for him and praying for him and encouraging him and loving him well. We are overwhelmed.
I think, however, that Adam and I had some false expectations about the outcome of surgery. By that I mean that we had talked about and prepared ourselves (well as much as you can do that) for him not making it out of surgery. We had cried and prayed and surrendered those fears to the Lord. But somehow in my mind I thought that if he just made it through surgery than everything would be fine. And then to hear that his left ventricle was still not working right and that he might need another open heart surgery . . . I could just feel my heart and strength crumble.
The truth is that the only way we are making it through this is by God sustaining us each step of the way, and I am confident that He will shower us with the grace we need to make it through this next step . . . but I'm just not quite there yet.
We are overwhelmed at how hard it is to see our son like this (warning: the pictures are graphic, if you're squeamish, I would not scroll down and look at them). Because he was so swollen from surgery, they left his chest open - so you can see his heart beating. And there is literally NOTHING we can do but entrust him into God's arms and trust that Jesus is holding him when we can't. This post-surgery fragility is terrifying. Every beep, every machine, every phone call makes us jump out of our skin at the thought that something is going or has gone wrong.
Adam went to morning rounds this morning while I stayed with Jayci, and they said he did as well as can be expected last night, considering he just had major open heart surgery. His heart went in to a different rhythm called junction ectopic tachycardia (JET)at around 1am. The surgeon happened to be called in for another patient and was checking on Caden when his heart went in to this rhythm. They tried to fix this by cooling him off a little, from 36-37C to 34-36C, and starting him on a mild sedative that also helps the heart beat in a normal (sinus) rhythm. However, these measures didn't work so they ended up turning on the pacemaker to fix it. The doctor assured us that this was more of a speed bump than a setback, which we're glad to hear. But again, scary stuff. He was able to go down on several of his meds as well as his ventilator, and is even taking some breaths on his own. They did up his pain medication a little because he was moving around a lot and they wanted to make sure he wasn't feeling any pain.
*again, be warned that these pictures are rough. TRUST ME, I know -- it is hard for me to see too. REALLY hard. And every time I close my eyes I can't help but see Caden and my own heart aches - I would do anything to take this away from him and to heal him and make it all better. But I can do nothing. Except pray, and do my best to continue walking faithfully beside him and trust that God is fighting for him.
Today we are resting in Exodus 14:14 . . . and can feel your prayers covering and reviving us and healing our son's tiny little heart. And we are encouraged (even in our discouragement) to know that we have an amazing army behind our little man cheering for him and praying for him and encouraging him and loving him well. We are overwhelmed.